No Work All Play

'Him & Her' 2011

2011-02-13T18:03:00.014Z

WTF! Valentine's Day again.. I've still got the cards and chocolates from last year...

I'm sure some will be making their final preparations for tomorrow, whilst others will be hoping tomorrow never comes and would happily skip to Tuesday 15th.

I have come to the conclusion that men in relationships and 'singlettes' (aka single women) both despise 'Love day' equally, Men because they are burdened with having to do some romantic gesture or at-the-least part with some cash and single women because they are reminded that they are ~~painfully~~ happily single.

As a 'man in a relationship' I am feeling a little overwhelmed by the pressure to do something special, this is a new sensation because in years gone by, I would conveniently end my relationship(s) in late January to avoid the whole palaver, but this year it looks like there is no escaping it.

Anyway, whether you are in a relationship or happily single, enjoy & show love.

And given that it is that time of year, I have some relationship themed music for you. This 6 Track EP tells the story of a couple that meet and go through the motions of a relationship until its demise!

[DOWNLOAD]

Download and listen. It's very good... and i'm not just saying that because he is my bredrin. lol.. here's a sample for the non-believers...

... and this is something we prepared last year

Mixed Feelings

2010-12-06T22:00:00.022Z

You may have been able to tell from the title that today's topic is interracial dating/relationships.

There are two reasons for me writing this post. First, I am tired of writing about head-ties and weave. Secondly, I discovered that an ex of mine is now dating a white dude.. and It has come to my attention that the love of my life and #2 on my smash-list, Kelly Rowland is also dating a white dude...

Wait... before I continue, let me throw in a quick disclaimer, "I am not [a] racist, I have white friends.." LOL

Now, we are all familiar with the common pairing, when you think about "interracial dating", instantly an image of a big black guy with a white girl (usually a blonde) pops into your head..

well, recently I have noticed more and more black chicks and white dudes.. Is this the new fashion trend. Now, don't get it twisted, I'm not on a "they are taking all our women" tip, but they are! LOL.

Last year the trend was black lesbians. I attempted to tackle this issue in a post i titled "Les-bi-honest". In the comments someone said -

[Black] men need to ask themselves why females feel the need to turn to other females...this should b a lesson to all fellas to start acting right

Can the same be said about black chicks "new" liking for white men? Are black women turning there backs on black men and exploring their options?

Or maybe they are just getting us back for leaving your ass's for white girls?

I'd like to say that everyone is entitled to happiness regardless of who they find it in. Happiness is primary, race is secondary. but we live in a world were prejudice exists.

Interracial dating is no longer a taboo... and we are heading to the days when everyone will be ~~beige~~ mixed, but pressure from family, friends and wider society must still exist.

Pressure still exists even within black/black relationships, as highlighted in last weeks episode of "The Family"; a fly on the wall documentary that follows the lives of a Anglo-Nigerian family. For those that haven't been paying their TV licence (me included), it can be watched here.

The programme reminded me that, although Afro/Carib relationships are common, there is still a cultural divide and crossing that divide can be like crossing a mine-field, especially if you have "traditional" African parents and your lady-friend is a Ja-may-kan (by the way, if you are black and not African, you are automatically Jamaican).

The majority of the stories I hear involve non-African (Jamaican) girls being treated like they "stole meat from the pot" by their boyfriends African parents, but I'm sure the ignorance goes both ways.... feel free to share your views by commenting.

Luckily my mum is liberal and would not have any issue with me settling down with a Jamaican girl, but i've gotta make sure she doesn't see this video...

Please note: I'd like to thank the readers, commentators, sharers and supporters. FYI, On the top of the right hand column, I have added a "SPREAD THE WORD" feature to make it easy for you to share the link via Facebook, Twitter and E-mail. Please spread the word, I appreciate it. Thanks for reading.

Heat Weave

2010-07-09T13:47:00.001+01:00

Unless you've been hiding in a fridge, you would have noticed that we are in the midst of a heatwave, with temperatures this weekend set to reach a sweltering 31°C, dunno what that is in Fahrenheit.. but i know it's gonna be as "hot as hell"..

I'm personally looking forward to enjoying the glorious sunshine, go for a long drive, sunglasses on with some Teedra playing...

I know many of the ladies are planning to bring out that maxi-dress or those batty-riders... I can't wait.

But... there are a few that aren't looking forward to the heat, rather than getting out and enjoy it, they will be seeking refuge in the shade, fearing for the well-being of their beloved WEAVE.

I always wondered why the habitual weave-wearers went missing every summer, and now I know that it's because their hairstyle of choice isn't exactly heat-friendly...

This revelation dawned on me during a recent trip to Miami. The heat over there was blistering... I witnessed a number of sweated out weaves... frizzy afros and even a saggy lace-fronts being undone by melted glue.. maybe she should have carried that 'Pritt Stick' in her handbag..

Anyway, the sun isn't the only reason that weaves are being sweated out...

Fellas, don't you just love when your girl comes round after a trip to the hair dressers... with her hair looking so brand new... and after a night of emotional loving.... she leaves in the morning with her weave, perm or jheri-curl sweated out. looking like Blanka from Street Fighter... Send her ass straight back to the hairdressers...

The things women do for their men. Gotta love it... There was a time when I didn't fully understand black girl hair.. and I still don't but finally I understand the purpose of a "head-tie"...

I was gonna get at the excessive make-up wearers, but i'll spare them (save it for another blog), all i'm gonna say is... apply in moderation... otherwise you're gonna melt this summer...

Miami was great, by the way.. very hot but great. I acquired a different type of complexion over there... I am a fully fledged member of team dark-skin but I came back with a tan and a new nickname.. "Oreo Cookie". how cruel... plus an American girl accused me of being Haitian...

Anyway, I'm off to enjoy my weekend... you should do the same..

Vote for me

2010-05-06T13:00:00.013+01:00

Thanks for welcoming me back with open arms.. I've been busy wastemanin it out.. enjoying semi-retirement.. but now, I find myself back here doing what i enjoy the most..

This blog is supposed to be a 'politics free zone', but there is no escaping the fact we are in the midst of a General Election.

The rallies, party political broadcasts, televised debates and those hyper-active campaigners knocking down doors like TV license inspectors.. beggin' votes.

Although the polls have been open from marning (Jamaican accent).. and voting is well under way, many of you are still undecided, so i'm gonna use this opportunity to beg your vote. Mr Lewiboro for Prime Minister..

I do not belong to a political party, I have no manifesto or policies so to speak. I'm unsure of how i'd solve the issues that affect us all, but i'm a good guy who means well.. and I promise not to waste your tax money on champagne and b*tches.

All jokes aside, It's time to act. It's time to vote. This is a democracy baby... and whoever said political parties aren't gangs, see below.. gang warfare..

This is kinda funny still.. either the BNP dude is a shower-man or the Asian dudes are donuts with legs? you decide..

Incisive : One Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T04:01:00.007Z

Happy Valentine's Day, This is our offering to all the lovers in the world, I know the fellas can relate... and to think this was all done yesterday (13 Feb 2010), 12 hours from conception to finished production (track and mini video). I am happy to have played a part in this mini project, but the majority of the props go to Incisive, I have said it before and I'll say it again... I really wish I could rap! Enjoy!

Download the MP3 from http://www.Incisive1.blogspot.com

The Last 365 Days

2009-12-29T16:05:00.006Z

We are just days away from the end of 2009... it's that time when we anticipate the arrival of the new year and reflect on the highs and lows of the year gone passed.

Although, the year has passed in the blink of an eye, so much has happened in 2009... we have lost loved ones (RIP), welcomed newborns... burnt bridges (and rebuilt them)... some unlucky b*stards even experienced the pain of broken bones... ouch!

Despite the pain and misfortune, the year has flown by, It was this time last year when I penned my New Years Resolutions for '09. the list of 30-odd lifestyle changes that if followed could have potentially made me a better man...

Well, here's an update... I have kindly decided to share a few of my ~~successes~~ failures..

No. 2 - 'Be less harsh on women, they're not all evil' - As long as women insist on wearing head-ties, lace front weaves and leaning Uggs, I will continue to be harsh.

No. 4 - 'Learn how to cook' - My culinary skills have improved 10-fold over the course of the year, mainly due to fact that I have been forced to cook since the closure of my local chicken & chip shop earlier this year... but now that I have my George Foreman gangster grill, the sky really is the limit. come dine with me.

No. 5 - 'Get hench' - I was well on my way to henchness, I was even told that I had the torso of Tyson Beckford (I have proof), but then I broke my leg, lost all motivation, got lazy and started binge eating.

No. 8 - 'Spend more time in church' - I am ashamed to say that I have only been to church on one occasion this year. It was a great occasion none-the-less, the christening of a friends daughter. *L & K, i love your daughter like she was my own.

No. 15 - 'Avoid falling in love' - This has gotta be the dumbest of all my resolution, How immature was I 12 months ago... I guess I wasn't ready to embrace it, Love is what makes life worth living. time to embrace it.

No. 17 - 'Get rich' - I am still £99,999 away from being rich. Time to start spending those £1 coins on lottery tickets instead of £1 chicken and chips.

No. 18 - 'Learn how to parallel park' - I have had issues with parallel parking since my learner days... The phobia was so deep that I acted like I didn't hear my test instructor when he asked me to do one during my driving test. 5 years have passed and i'm still learning.

No. 19 - 'Spend more time with family' - I got love for my family and friends, even those borderline bredrins. I'd like to spend more time with certain people, but we are all busy people...

No. 27 - 'Drink responsibly' - I am still two sips away from being an alcoholic. I will always choose Cherry Brandy/Disaronno over Ribena/Coca Cola.. My love of alcohol is here to stay.

No. 30 - 'Less work, more play' - Everybody knows how much I love to 'jamm'. But I have realised that although the responsibility of work is an annoyance, we aren't just working for today, but we're working for our futures, so it's about finding a balance between work and play... abit of work, abit of play... it's taken me 25 years to realise this.

No. 31 - 'Avoid becoming a baby-daddy' - it's funny how when you're young[er], your parents say "don't be getting no girl pregnant!!!!", but when you're old[er], they pester you about having grandkids for them - I just thought i'd put that out there... (sorry mum)

So in conclusion, I basically failed all of the above (with the exception of #31), and as far as the ones I didn't mention, i failed those too... actually, I did manage to turn 25!!!

Resolutions are so easy to think of, but hard to stick to. Life has a funny way of interfering with your plans.. shit happens, focus is lost and resolutions are abandoned.

Although, I may not have succeeded with all 32, I am fully committed to self improvement. Mr Lewiboro is work in progress.

*Blog Closed. thanks for following me on my journey. I wish you all peace, love and happiness in the new year and forevermore. over & out!

Unfitness First

2009-09-16T07:58:00.018+01:00

Okay, so last week, I got a random call from a Personal Trainer from my local Fitness First... offering a FREE personal training session. Like any other black person…. I love freeness, so I foolishly accepted not knowing what I was letting myself in for..

Going to the gym, in itself isn't out of the ordinary... although, ever since I snapped my right leg like a lil bitch, I haven't been going as often as I used to.. Usually I'd make the journey once or twice a week, but due to the leg break and laziness I haven't really been going at all.

A usual session consists of meeting up with the mandem, chatting about how crazy women are, catching jokes, cussing certain man for having 'Jodeci chests'... jumping on the treadmill, lifting a couple weights and going home feeling "hench". Nothing too intense… nice and simple…

Well, yesterday's session wasn't the usual... I arrive at the gym on time, to be greeted by some hench gay looking smiley-face dude... My new personal trainer… I swear down, he's eyes lit up when he saw me... even though he appeared to be a homo-sapien, I decided to ignore it and proceeded to the changing room... no homo!

The session was scheduled to last an hour... I thought it was going to be a light introduction... boyyy, was I wrong...

That motherf*ck*r had me doing circuits, star jumps, roly poly's... chin ups, sit up... everything... pushed me to my limit. Words can't express how intense it was... I swear, I thought I was going to die... I spent half the session in the recovery position… trying to catch my breath.. breathing hard.. panting... sweating like a fat girl f*cking... pure sufferation!

I am so lucky that there were no chicks about... that would not have been a good look at all.. Anyway vanity aside, it highlights how a comfortable lifestyle can lead to unfitness and eventually roundness... Look after your body… watch what you eat and make sure you exercise regularly (sex doesn’t count)…

It looks like I'm going to be spending alot of time in the gym this winter.. I might even start running for buses and chasing women like the good old days…

Note: ladies, don't get it twisted... I've got crazy stamina in the bedroom... lazy lover but I go hard! Ahahaha!

Note to the larger ladies: no disrespect intended. you probably sweat as much as the rest of us during sex, I was just trying to get the point across. love y'all.

R.I.P AALIYAH 1979 - 2001

2009-08-25T14:55:00.004+01:00

Les-Bi-Honest

2009-08-24T09:24:00.014+01:00

Good Morning y'all, It's been a while. You have probably gathered that the blog has fully fallen off my list of priorities... Sad but true.

I saw something this morning that I thought was blog worthy... so here goes.. On my way to work, late as usual, I decided to get off a stop early... I needed to stretch my legs... plus the woman sitting next to me smelt like hot sex...

Anyway, doors open.. step off the bus to see two women literally trying to swallow each others heads.. kissing passionately... they were average chicks, nothing particularly sexy about them (apart from the fact that they were LESBIANS!!!!)

On the one hand, it was nice to see, like most men I'm partial to a little girl-on-girl action but on the other it's worrying...

I know all it takes is one man to make a woman hate ALL men, but ... are women really that disgruntled and is their hatred for men so strong that they're turning to each other...? I have been told that the lesbian thing has become a fashion, and over the past few months I have started to notice it..

I remember back to a time when you'd approach a woman and if she didn't have it.. in an attempt to salvage some pride and self esteem you'd accuse her of being gay... the funny thing now is that she probably is...

Ladies, please don't turn your backs on us, we need you and you need us!!! ... and if you're gonna do it, let me get involved... i'm into gal too!!!

*Please note, The above relates to new shape lesbians, the ones that used to date men until recently, not the old shape ones that have been doing this ting from long time.

Too Many Weaves

2009-07-14T18:04:00.004+01:00

I originally voiced my opinion on the weave issue last october (see Weave Epidemic for those that haven't read it already). I highlighted the fact that weaving has become the accepted standard.... and now, as I predicted, we have a weave epidemic on our hands... A nation of "Transformer chicks"... yesterday she had hair short like old school Halle, but after visiting the salon..... she transforms... hair long like Rapunzel... Anyway the tune below mirrors my thoughts to a T... Too many weaves! Too many many weaves! lol. it's all love still!

Shout to Jason Lewis... beware of the Deceptatons!

R.I.P GRANDMA

2009-07-14T17:41:00.001+01:00

Back to '93

2009-07-03T11:36:00.015+01:00

Life, at times can seem so stress filled... as adults we forget that there was once a time when we were all so care-free... not a single worry in the world... no relationship troubles, financial woes or exam stress... pure bliss!

The passing of a childhood hero... Michael Jackson (R.I.P)... and the recent heatwave have had me reminiscing about summers' gone by... taking me back to when I was young and "innocent"... let's go back to the summer of '93...

When summer actually meant 6 weeks of sunshine, not just a couple of sunny days...

When I had to beg my mum to play outside... and her response was always "..but you played out yesterday"... she'd eventually give in... but when it was time to go back in, I'd act like I couldn't hear her calling out my name... mastered selective hearing at a young age...

When any money I got my hands on was spent on ice cream, ice lollies or penny sweets... constantly searching in the sides of the sofa like a crackhead, trying to find money for my next fix.

When the 'Ice cream van' had us going crazy... my mum convinced me that the ice cream van sounded its siren when it had ran out of ice cream, and like a fool i believed her, stopped me from begging her for money but didn't stop me from chasing the van down the street yelling "I-scream"...

When water fights were a daily occurrence... water bombs, water guns and frying pans full of water...

When 'playing games' meant 'knock down ginger', 'run-outs', '40/40' and stone throwing (at girls)...

When we used to play kiss-chase with girls that seemed to always trip up 'accidentally on purpose'... very suspect... but those same girls would be quick to sprint from certain guys...

When I would get chased by the neighbourhood dog and step in that same dog' sh*t atleast once a week...

When the flying ants came out to play for 2 days every summer, we were made prisoners in our own homes...

When the equivalent of a rave was a childrens' party... no alcohol... just fizzy drinks and sugar induced vibes... there was always a Michael Jackson wannabe showing off his/her fucked up version of the Moonwalk...

Oh the memories... Anyway, I'm big 25 now, definitely not a kid anymore. Now I'm that grumpy adult telling the local kids to stop playing near my car... I'm still young at heart! Living my 'second childhood'...

New Drake Mixtape - Friends With Money

2009-05-15T12:44:00.011+01:00

If you're not familiar with this guys previous works, check his last mixtape, titled "So Far Gone", which can be downloaded here... I'm so helpful sometimes, maybe I'm not an asshole after-all... Anyway, Drake is apparently the next big thing, definitely worth the download time.

[Download Here]
Enjoy!

Uninspired

2009-05-12T15:17:00.019+01:00

I have had a few complaints about the lack of blog activity... the fact that I haven't been writing and that the updates have been scarce... I know and I apologise... but as of late, I've been feeling uninspired... I've felt the blog slowly drop off my list of priorities... I guess I've had more important things on my mind... ~~So much so that I even considered "retirement"~~

In search of inspiration, I decided to spend part of this morning looking through previous posts... I didn't realise that there were so many and some of you have read them all... you've been on this emotional journey with me... through the winter romances, the bus beefs, the flashing lights, the heartless women... not forgetting the bad weaves, beloved head ties and the patios speaking grannies... I actually laughed out loud...

So thanks for coming on this ride with me... It is NOT over... I know that lately I haven't been putting the work in, but I'm back now feeling inspired... besides it would be a shame to quit now... I'll leave that to the crack-heads in rehab.

Amazing

2009-04-24T19:01:00.005+01:00

Another world exclusive... New Kanye West... can't be bother to write sh*t, so just check the video... It's amazing!

The Friendship Zone

2009-04-20T14:53:00.017+01:00

Okay people, I admit I've been 'cheating'. I haven't been putting the effort in like I used to, but I'm back now...

I'm gonna jump straight into this one..This is a topic that I've been meaning to address for a while now.. The 'dreaded' Friendship Zone!!!

The "Friendship Zone" is a miserable place. Although, you won't find it on a sat nav, trust me it exists. Most guys have been there at one point or another, some more than others. Some dudes jam there for most of their lives, probably there right now. It's a horrible place.

We all know how it goes.. boy meets girls, he tries a 'ting'... tries to take it there... spark an intimate/romantic connection... it's a challenge.. a conquest... an adventure... trying to get to the 'promised land'... the booty...... Only to be told... 'we are just friends'... 'you're like a brother to me'... 'I don't want to ruin our friendship'...

Basically, she's telling you "it's long" in the nicest way possible... you played the game and lost... and now she's officially welcoming you to the losers' quarters... the "Friendship Zone". Homeboy.... get comfortable, because the "Friendship Zone" is like a maximum security prison... there's no escape.

You are now "that dude"... the one she invites round to paint her house.. or clean her oven... telling you about other dudes... boyin' your emotions.... leaving you feeling rejected... jammin at night, holding yourself, listening to power ballads. emosh!

Women aren't to blame.. because all good relationships are based on a solid friendship... but they decided if they were gonna get 'buckwild' with u, within minutes of meeting you... (whether they are willing to admit it or not)

So if you're not her selection, you have two options... either keep it moving or risk becoming one of the 'doormat man dem'. My advice is to keep it moving because getting stepped pon is long.. and let's face it... there are plenty more fish in the sea... all that wild booty swimming around. go catch one or two.

DISCLAIMER: Mr Lewiboro is too much of a "jerk" to be in a "Friendship Zone", apparently only "nice guys" are allowed in....

Titty Man

2009-04-14T23:02:00.007+01:00

Ladies, "I can tell your future if you just let me hold those titties in my hands". LOL.. I thought I was bad.

There Will Be Tears

2009-04-12T12:17:00.006+01:00

WARNING: I cannot get this song out of my head!

I saw this guy open at Kanye' concert last November... He has some very G.O.O.D material... I got in trouble when I said "I don't discriminate when it comes to women", I don't think black women like that... hopefully, it's safe to say "I don't discriminate when it comes to music"... Anyway here's Mr Hudson... There will be tears...

On the subject of tears, I'm tryna remember the last time I cried... 10 - 15 years ago maybe...

I Miss You

2009-04-12T00:48:00.005+01:00

I felt like uploading this... For absolutely no reason whatsoever... just felt like it! Sometimes I do shit, just because I can and it feel so f*cking good.
By the way... I'm missing you!

Every Girl

2009-04-07T03:44:00.009+01:00

Another world exclusive... Lil Wayne & Young Money presents "Every girl"... I can definitely relate... When it comes to women, I don't discriminate... We live in a multi-cultural society... and I believe variety is the spice of life... I wish I could ~~f*ck~~ love every girl in the world too.... Check Drake on the 2nd Verse... Lil Wayne is doing big things... I am looking forward to his concert in July, hopefully he brings Drizzy along. I heard tickets for the 6th are sold out, but he has added an extra date due to high demand, might see you there. Young Mullah Baby!

Home Sweet Home

2009-03-31T12:02:00.008+01:00

Yes People... I'm back looking like freshly burnt toast... charcoal... tar!

Still feeling a little jet-lagged after a long ass 9 hour flight... but it was so worth it.... Spring Break, Cancun was so LIVE! I've been sworn to secrecy so I can't really say much about it... you know... "what happens in Cancun, stays in Cancun"... just know, I had a great time.

The Fajitas, Burritos, Cubans... Tequila shots!!!! The sun, white sand, clear blue sea... sleeping on the beach at night... it was beautiful out there. I think I may be suffering from a slight case of the "post-holiday blues"... but I'm glad to be back... home sweet home... it's cold but it's home.

Ladies, I'm not even gonna ask if I was missed, the answer is obvious... but I do wanna know if you would give your number to a guy that pulled this out of his pocket...?

While I was in Cancun, I sold my Blackberry Curve to a local, so now I am the proud owner of this vintage Blackberry 7290... Oldskool like Walkmans & VCRs!!!

Vacay

2009-03-21T08:49:00.010Z

Don't expect to hear from me next week because I'm gonna be on a beach somewhere, dressed in linens, sunglasses on, sipping strawberry daiquiris... basking in the sunshine. don't jealous me!

I love holiday-ing but I'm not a fan of long haul flights, I just hope that the flight attendants on my flight are as cool as this guy... I'm guessing his rap career wasn't paying the bills...

Anyway, see you on the other side. Peace.

When Pranks Go Wrong

2009-03-15T01:21:00.004Z

I thought Facebook was bait, but radio still holds the crown.. this is some emotional ish, you must listen.

It's worrying how she manages to fabricate a story on the spot... Props to Ilara

One

2009-03-14T14:36:00.006Z

Not really the biggest Fat Joe fan, but I'm feeling this track, the video and the overall message... Fat Joe ft Akon - One... check it out.

Maybe Joe is right. Maybe all I need is one. One girl to hold me down. One girl to turn to... Not 2 or 3, just 1... interesting concept.

Smash-list Update

2009-03-12T18:55:00.010Z

If you've been following from early, you'll know that I put together a smash-list of my favourite females... (if you're new, click here)... there has been a slight re-schuffle...

the new list... in descending order:

5. Halle Berry... Still desirable even though she is old enough to be my mother, but like fine wine, she gets better with age...

4. Meagan Good... The pioneer of the "shiny wet look legging thingies"... I love her for that.

3. Lauren London... Been quiet of late, but still rated highly. New-New in ATL, say no more.

2. Kelly Rowland... I have been told that she shouldn't even be on my list... but Kelly is just my type... plain and simple. I only recently discovered that she had a boob-job, So unnecessary if you're asking me, anything more than a handful is a waste.

That means that there is a new number 1, she is a new entrant...

☆1. Bria Myles... More than just a video girl.. She is truly a thing of beauty. Dark skinned, cute face with an emotional body... her measurements are 34-26-45... The type of girl that I'd lodge my friends, ~~family~~ and all links for. See below...

I conveniently 'chickened' out of doing the Facebook love-list, but I will be doing one for UK based models... coming very soon...

Grocery Shop

2009-03-11T16:42:00.002Z

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A Litre of milk,
A carton of eggs,
A Litre of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A can of coffee,
And one pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied...

" Cause you're ugly. "

Make Love

2009-03-10T08:32:00.006Z

Why is Kanye mounting my woman?

That was Mrs Lewiboro' newest video titled 'Make Love'... I considered writing a little piece about the act of 'making love', but I choose to only write about topics that I understand, and making love isn't something that i'm familiar with... totally foreign to me... ask me about 'knocking boots', and I'll write an 4,000 word essay and give a demonstration.

In Love With Someone Else?

2009-03-09T18:47:00.013Z

Infidelity is a fact of life.. I'll say no more. Watch this video, it's emosh.

Nice guys always finish last... I know it's not fair but it's one of life's harsh realities, so I advise the 'nice guys' to pay attention to what Jazmine is saying... Quit being a human door-mat, put the niceties to one side and be an asshole like me... it won't make sense at first... the logic is all f*cked up, but trust me it works, they'll love you for it. I didn't make the rules... good girls love bad guys.

My Love

2009-03-09T18:40:00.006Z

Another world exclusive... The Dream is doing very big things... this is the first single off his latest album... Love vs Money.

Am I the only one that thinks The Dream looks like a turtle... and FYI, I'd choose money over love anyday... M.O.B

Pimpin' Curly

2009-03-08T14:47:00.004Z

50 Cent starring in the 'Fast Lane'... a weekly series that follows the adventures of Pimpin' Curly. In this weeks episode Curly takes a ~~hoe~~ girl away from another pimp and survives a revenge attack... check it out.

Did you see the main ~~hoes~~ chicks waist and hips? She has what I call an 'onion booty', because seeing it makes me wanna cry tears of joy.

This Is It

2009-03-06T21:21:00.009Z

I'm sure you've heard the news... Michael Jackson is due to make a return this summer. Like many, I was excited at the prospect of seeing the 'King of Pop' live in concert, I've been a fan from early, practising the moon-walk in the mirror, wearing white socks and one glove. I know I weren't the only one...

It's not surprising that the demand for tickets is high, I considered trying to get my hands on some tickets, but the thought of being surrounded by hardcore Michael Jackson fans sickens me, I'd probably get mad and end up headbutting one of them...

Who is it... timeless classic... one of my favourite tunes of all time. MJ, Lewiboro salutes you... Legend.

Frontline

2009-03-06T20:54:00.001Z

For all the chicks on the 'frontline'... track by Princess Nyah.

Dream Big

2009-03-04T20:34:00.003Z

Another world exclusive... the new Jazmine Sullivan video... Dream Big!

"I can't spend another second sitting on my mama's couch, So if I don't take a chance I won't ever get out"... inspirational.

On the topic of dreams, I have been having some mad ones recently... the type that make you thank the Lord when you wake up and realise it was just a dream. Might share them with you one day, when I get over the trauma... still scared to sleep.

Coupons

2009-03-03T13:42:00.019Z

Relations between the female population and myself were blissful, until a female friend posed the following question via her Facebook status: "He took you out on a 1st date & at the end started pulling out discount vouchers? Is this acceptable now cos it’s "Credit Crunch?"

She went on to accuse guys that use vouchers of being 'cheap' and 'stingy'... I'm sure the majority of females are in agreement with her... clapping, clicking fingers and talking out the side of their necks....

I can't believe the audacity of these ladies, I have been taking it easy on the y'all as of late... desperately trying not to break my resolutions... but who you calling 'cheap'...? yes, I've done it and I'd do it again.

Whether it's "buy one get one free" or "20% off", I'm not scared to use them... and I'm not even the type of dude that would try and pass the coupon to the waiter/waitress discreetly. I'd be bait... let the whole restaurant know... embarrass your high maintenance ass.

I feel so strongly about this subject because I don't like the fact that women love to spend a guys money. How can you question the use of a voucher, like you're paying. You should consider yourself lucky that I didn't run out of the restaurant and leave your cl*rt washing dishes.

I still find it funny that the same girls that claim independence will be the same ones that are looking at the ceiling when the bill comes, twiddling their thumbs... and we all know that nothing turns a woman off quicker than her having to pay for something... Fellas, unless you're an old school playa, the rule is that if she pays, you ain't getting no ass. simple.

So, In response to my 'learned friend'... A guy claiming to have lost his wallet and asking you to pay is unacceptable. A guy running out on the bill and leaving you behind is unacceptable. but I think the use of a discount coupon is fine.

I don't care whether it's the 1st or 15th date, i'll present vouchers, coupons and food-stamps at the restaurant. i'll claim that both myself and my date are students when we go to the movies, to get a discount. Some say this type of behaviour giving off a good first impression. f*ck a first impression. I'm me.

It's all good anyway, I still got love for the ladies. Props to Mon for raising the topic and a shout out to any lady that has bought me food in the last six months! I salute you.

Release

2009-03-02T00:27:00.004Z

The wait is over... you saw the "behind the scenes" footage of Incisive' Release music video, now here's the full video... Check it out...

Pattie Hunt

2009-03-01T18:41:00.020Z

After a hard session in the gym, Mr X decided to counteract his hard work by purchasing some patties on the way home... He thought it would be a good idea to film the journey.

He sends his apologises for the karaoke, shoddy camera-work and the pointless footage, He is obviously an irresponsible negro.

Eating patties after going gym... nonsense.

Dedication

2009-02-27T00:14:00.017Z

Alot of girls think my blogs are about them, but they've got it twisted... this one is for you.

I'm not a sweet dude... emotionless and all that... you know that I find it hard to let you know how I feel.. so I'ma let Drake tell you.... listen carefully.

"Sweat pants, hair tied, chillin with no make up on that's when you're the prettiest"... listen to Drake ladies, make up needs to be kept to a minimum. I was gonna write about it but one of my resolutions was to be nice to girls....

Anyway, you're most definately the best I ever had... and to be fair, I'm probably the best you'll ever have.

Lewiboro Recommends...

2009-02-26T19:31:00.018Z

Drake - So Far Gone

This has got to be the best mixtape ever... trust me people you won't be disappointed. My taste in music is similar to my taste in women... only the best will do. TOP QUALITY ONLY!

It's so good that i'd actually pay for this... Check the 'tune of the week' section for a sample --->

Click here to download
Click here to listen

The tracklist is so strong... I have 17 favourites but Houstatlantavegas stands out.

Victory

2009-02-23T20:06:00.013Z

Okay, couple weeks back I told you about a ticket I got for parking in a bus stand (I appealed it and I'm awaiting a decision any day now... wish me luck... wait there's more... a couple days after I received a letter from a solicitors regarding a separate incident... demanding £60... apparently my vehicle was incorrectly parked at a 'magical place' called "EH Kenwood" and as a result a Charge Notice was issued...

These p**sehs tried to target me like i'm some plum... they even tried to threaten me with court proceedings... so I got my pen n paper out (well, my keyboard) and wrote them a short e-mail....

"To Whom May Be Concerned.

I was surprised when I received your letter, for the following reasons:

1. I have no idea where "EH Kenwood" is? I think you made it up!

2. On the date and time in question, I was at work and no-one else has access to my vehicle.

3. No Charge Notice was affixed to my vehicle because I doubt my car was ever at this magical "EH Kenwood" place?

You failed to supply any evidence in regards to the alleged non adherence to the "EH Kenwood" parking regulations. It is for the above reasons, I appeal this bogus charge notice and therefore will not be making any payment at all.

Kindest Regards,

Mr Lewiboro"

Today, I received this response....

"Dear Sir

thank you for your email. I can confirm that this matter has now been cancelled and our file closed.

Regards,"

P**seh-holes!!! They tried it!!! VICTORY!

Snatch

2009-02-18T19:03:00.010Z

I got myself into hot water with the ladies when I wrote about the weave epidemic... the aim wasn't to offend, I was just saying that... "I could never understand why anyone would wear something that could be so easily snatched off/out their head"... watch below... i'll say no more on the subject...

She had a skin fade underneath the wig... My heart goes out to her... Ladies if you're gonna do the weave/wig thing, you've gotta make sure the "hair piece" is securely fastened to your head. Anywayyyyyy!

Lets Play A Game Pt II

2009-02-18T14:03:00.009Z

Due to the success of Part I, I thought we could play again. The rules are simple... just read through the list of 'offences' and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Comment anonymously if you are ashamed of yourself. Props to Mia but this is the Lewiboro Remix!

1. Taken a class A drug -- £100

2. Been chased by a dog -- £5

3. Been shitted on by a bird -- £5

4. Written off a car -- £50

5. Had sex with a Jamaican/Nigerian -- £20

6. Vandalised something that belonged to a partner because you were emotional-- £20

7. Headbuttted someone -- £5

8. Cheated in an exam -- £20

9. Kissed someone who's name you didn't know -- £0.10

10. Driven drunk -- £50

11. Got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- £50

12. Fainted -- £20

13. Pulled a sickie -- £5

14. Hacked a partners’ Facebook/Myspace account -- £20

15. Left a restaurant without paying -- £10

16. Verbally or physical assaulted a traffic warden -- £25

17. Stole something worth more than a hundred pounds -- £100

18. Driven whilst on a ban -- £50

19. Lied to your mum' and/or dad' face -- £100

20. Been caught having sex -- £20

21. Been caught masturbating -- £25

22. Driven without a valid licence-- £20

23. Had sex with someone 5 years older -- £20

24. Had sex with someone more than a year younger -- £25

25. Been in love with two people or more at the same time-- £50

26. Said you loved someone but didn't mean it -- £25

27. Jumped a red light -- £0.50

28. Had sex with someone you work with -- £25

29. Lied to a partner about the sex being good -- £50

30. Haven’t told a friend about this blog -- £100 (plus slap yourself)

Get your calculators out... How much do you owe?

Welcome to Heartbreak

2009-02-18T00:42:00.004Z

Another world exclusive... New Kanye West ft Kid Cudi... Welcome to Heartbreak...

Wha gwan with his hair... my afro had to go... kept finding random bits of fluff in my hair.

V Day

2009-02-16T23:56:00.021Z

I'm sure that I'm not the only one that's glad Valentines Day is behind us... the roses, the love letters, the unnecessary emotion, it's always a hype...

Please don't get it twisted, I'm not Anti-Valentines Day... but there's just something about it that makes me feel uneasy...

Singletons become so desperate to be with someone... even if just for one night... girls losing their minds trying to make arrangements... guys becoming sweet-boys over night... the pressure to be in a relationship, the need to be romantic... it disgusts me.

Anyway, now that it's all over, just wanted to send out a few shout outs:

1. Shout out to the guys that fell for the hype and wifey'd the closest available female, only to find out that she has a closet full of skeletons... no clothes... just skeletons...

2. Shout to the guys with more than one wifey... juggling chicks... trying to be at three places at once. Personally, one girl provides enough stress for me... having three wifeys would give me high blood pressure.

3. Shout to the girls that come out of the woodwork a couples weeks before the day... tryna holler at man last minute, I see you. You get nothing!

4. Shout to the girls that use it as an opportunity to spend time with their home-girls... "Girls night in"... can't argue with that... just don't complain when you're being labeled lesbians. girl power!

5. Shout to the couples that pack their bags and spend a night in a hotel... candles, handcuffs and all that romantic sh*t.

6. Shout to those that boycotted and celebrated being alone... by crying themselves to sleep.

7. Shout to those guys that genuinely found their "valentine'... she'll probably be getting on your nerves by March, but if she's worth the trouble... hold in there... enjoy it while it lasts...

*Mr Lewiboro takes off his arrow-proof vest and puts it back in his wardrobe for next year.

Cupid will never take me alive!

Old School Love

2009-02-13T14:31:00.005Z

Fellas... that dreaded day is less than 24 hours away... just thought I'd leave you with a lil something to help you get through the weekend.

for the players...

for the gangsters...

for the sweet-boys...

I can play the smoother joints without losing points... bet you forgot about them tunes there...

Have a great weekend... show love...

Ticket Master

2009-02-11T01:36:00.021Z

Okay... We're well into 2009 and everything is f*cked up... the weather... the economy... and my hair (wild afro)... Most of my resolutions have been either broken or abandoned... still swearing... still being anti-social and still not hench... and remember Resolution No. 28... "Avoid driving related fines and penalties"... well... I just received another one...

If you've been following for a while, you'll know that I'm no stranger to fines and penalties... Last year, I received tickets for.... speeding... driving in a bus lane... jumping a red light... parking in a 'permit holders only'... and now... for parking in a 'bus stand'... somebody please tell me what's a 'bus stand' when it's at home?

Maybe I was at fault for the others... but this time it was beyond my control... what had happened was... well... I can't actually say..... but I will say a 'female' was to blame... damn you, woman.

So.... due to the this fine (... and the credit crunch), I have had to ~~defer~~ cancel my Valentine day plans this year.... no fancy restaurant... no roses... and no chocolates. I can't afford to lavish a 'random' girl with gifts, love and affection in the current economic climate (... can't even afford a haircut)... fingers crossed for 2010.

The video below cheered me up... people get emosh when tickets are involved...

UPDATE: I have decided to challenge the latest fine... so Valentine's Day may be back on.

Brown Eyes

2009-02-10T07:22:00.008Z

Valentine's Day is just around the corner... I don't know whether to embrace or boycott it... I swear down, I don't wanna fall in love... but your brown eyes have got me hypnotised... Maybe we should give it a try... big tune.

25 Things About Me

2009-02-06T22:27:00.005Z

If you don't know me by now, you'll never know me... but I thought I'd still give you abit of random info about the man behind the blog:

1. I hate pigeons... especially the feathered variety.

2. I never walk over 3 drains or under the 'batty-man legs', apparently it's bad luck... and I never say 'goodbye'.

3. I am scared of commitment. Love goes left, I turn right... deliberately.

4. I am the eldest of 3 kids. I have a younger brother and sister... my boys are my cousins, family tree.

5. I'm a 'blogger'. "No Work All Play baby"

6. There is nothing I enjoy more than jamming.

7. My favourite nickname ever was 'Top-Rope'... apparently, 2 friends and I used to tag team chicks in college... WWF style.. shout outs to Lion-heart & Crippler.

8. I have a very short attention span... very easily sidetracked... you gotta pay for my attention.

9. I have had a full driving license for 4 years, passed first time, only because when the examiner said parallel park, I kept driving... he let me bay park instead, easy.

10. I used to ride on the free bus (453) and jump off when i saw ticket inspectors. cheapo.

11. I almost died in a near fatal bunk bed accident when I was 13. the top bunk almost collapsed on me... near miss.. true stories.

12. I used to love white girls, the straight hair did it for me... with age, I realised booty was more important.

13. I love titties, especially small perky ones.

14. I have a scar above my left eye from when I ran into a wall.

15. I graduated from law school with a commendation.

16. I have never licked pum-pum. but on a big boy ting I'll never say never.

17. I like watching porn... got a whole collection.

18. I used to be a hardcore raver, until i realised there was more to life.

19. I buy socks from Primarni... wear em then bin em.

20. I order Lemon & Herb at Nando's... flavour over heat.

21. I don't get on with people with complexes, people that try to compete with me and people that love their jobs too much.

22. When I was 16, I got handcuffed to a bed and left by a brave chick... jammed for time before I was set free.

23. I am a Gemini. but not two faced or sly.

24. I have a ferocious temper, but these days, nothing bothers me enough to bring it out.

25a. I started talking before I could walk. talking at 12 months and walking 6 months later... crawling around talking.

25b. My mum used to put the iron to her face to test it, One day I copied her, burnt the right side of my face. melted skin... healed back beautifully.

Todge Out

2009-02-04T21:49:00.012Z

What the f*ck was this fella thinking.. getting his 'todge' out in the middle of the dance. It must have been a last ditched attempt to get some female attention. oh the desperation.... plus he looks mature.... remember if you're 35 or older leave it alone.

I can't believe old dude is jamming on the dance floor with his ting out like it's normal.

I know posting this picture is borderline homo, but I had to share it.... almost forget to say No Homo x 100.

Props to Cocolee

Six Truths of Life

2009-02-04T11:44:00.005Z

The 'Six Truths of Life' are as follows:

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idots, after reading the first truth, will try it...

3. And discover that the first truth is a lie...

4. Your cheeks are in your eyes now cos you're an idiot...

5. You will soon forward this on to another idiot so you're not alone...

6. There's still a silly smile on your face...

I apologise about this. I'm an idiot too and I needed company.

LOL... If you licked the back of your teeth blame Char of ClubVIP+ for sending this to me in the first place.

Delete My Account

2009-02-03T15:55:00.013Z

This video kinda relates to a post I wrote a couple months back (facebook relationship)... just highlights how emotional it gets when a relationshit... hmmm, i mean relationship comes to an end on facebook... check it out...

Mr Lewiboro sheds a tear... then clicks here

Please note: I will not be deleting my account... I have actually started a 'Twitter' profile... http://twitter.com/Lewiboro ...follow me

I Hate My Job

2009-02-03T13:06:00.018Z

I don't actually hate my job... but I do hate working... I am so excited about retirement... even if it is 40 years away. I need to win the lottery or marry a rich woman.. or something.

Anyway, here's Cam'Rons latest video... Something that I'm sure many of you can relate to... 'I hate my job!'.

I might do a remix... 'I hate my colleagues'...

Not Easily Broken

2009-02-02T14:53:00.004Z

WOW. I'm on my third film of the day... Just finished watching "Not Easily Broken" starring Morris Chestnut and Taraji P. Henson. It's the typical funny relationship movie. A good watch... See clip below.

See, nobody wants an emotional man...

Part 1
Part 2

Snow Day

2009-02-02T10:51:00.008Z

Woke up this morning... late as usual... expected snow... but didn't expect this.

Seriously, there is no way that I'm leaving my house in these conditions... and to those that braved the snow, you are soldiers... I salute you.

Anyway, since we're all at home (except the "jobsworths")... I thought rather than watching garbage like Trisha and Jeremy Kyle... we could watch a film... I watched this on Saturday, It's definitely a tear jerker, I'm not gonna say I cried... but I will say it got more than emotional. enjoy.

Will Smith in "Seven Pounds".

Part 1
Part 2

Or

Full film

Please Note: Mr Lewiboro did not cry whilst watching Seven Pounds

Behind The Scenes

2009-02-01T09:09:00.001Z

Since I can't rap for shit, I live my dream of becoming a rapper through my boy, Incisive.... Couple months back he shot a video for his latest single and It was only right that I made an appearence... see footage below.

Apologies for the poor camera work. I never claimed to be professional, I'm just a "negro with a camera".... full video soon come.

Lions, Tigers & Bears Pt II

2009-01-29T23:29:00.017Z

Another World Exclusive... New single from my favourite RnB Songstress... It's Jazmine Sullivan...

I'm not scared of... Lions, Tigers & Bears. Enjoy.

I posted the audio for this track in October of last year... ever since... I've had to suffer listening to 'sisters withOUT voices' trying to sing it... no disrespect intended, but certain chicks need to invest in a Vocoder. Lions, Tigers & Bears Pt I

The Real Hubby Handbook

2009-01-29T11:16:00.010Z

Considering Ms Danvers' version was a remix rather than an actual handbook, I thought I'd post up the "You Know Who I Am" version. I know I risk killing the whole handbook ting.... but It's my blog and I do what the f*ck I want. Im the boss... "Memba I told you"

Not taking anything from Tasha's Handbook but here is a less emotional version...

Food: No woman is expecting to marry a Michellin Star chef. But fellas, Any grown man should be able to prepare at least one decent meal. If your mother can cook Jellof Rice, Pepper Soup, Oxtail and Rice, Red Peas Soup or any other respective national dish, you should be able to aswell. No ones expecting you to be Ainsley Harriot, but if you can eat it, you can cook it!

NEVER think it's acceptable to act up in front of your friends or family. Fellas have a tendancy to show off in the presence of company. But if you know you couldn't say it to me when it's just me and you... don't say it!

Other Females: Guy's you should have at least one female friend. Someone who is able to give you the female perspective when you have a disagreement with your wifey. But prefererably not an ex...

Other Females 2: Jump Offs need to get the boot! Fellas, if you're gonna be a decent hubby, those chicks need to get their marching orders!

Other Females 3: Your wife should take precedence over any other female except for your Mother. Treat your woman like a Queen...King!

Etiquette: A woman loves a man who can articulate himself well. But I can understand that we are all products of our envirionment, but don't address my mother as 'Fam' or my dad as 'Cuz'.

Fashion: Have your own style and stand out, try not to follow trends and blend into the crowd. Logos can be cool but try to refrain from wearing T shirts with someone else's name on it. i.e, Ed Hardy.

Stop Raving: I would never expect my hubby to stop raving just cause he's with me. Girls, be confident in the fact that no matter what he may meet in the rave, he's got the prize at home so let him out to play...

Family: Fellas, if you rate your girlfriend in any way then she should at least be on first name terms with your immediate family. Don't bring her to a family function and have her sitting in the corner by herself while you do the electric slide with Uncle Leroy. But always remember, family come first so keep them close and never let a female violate that situation.

Value... the women in your life. We are all her to teach you something.

This is just my opinion so I hope you boys can take something from it. Good luck!

What did you think of the 'less emotional' version?

The Hubby Handbook?

2009-01-28T17:16:00.007Z

I knew It was coming... Tasha Danvers presents the "Hubby Handbook"...

LOL come on Mr Lewiboro... let's dance. ;) All love in here ;)... This is for the gents :)

Gentlemen, if you want a "WIFEY" u need to qualify as a HUBBY first!

DISCLAIMER: The rules in this list are to be used for educational purposes only. "HUBBY... Lets start by defining the word itself.

'A HUBBY is a man (oh let me repeat that for clarification) A MAN!!! NOT A BOY that has the potential to be a woman's husband. This man is a steady boyfriend and is loved, he is kind, doesn't cheat, is trusted, and would make a good husband.

I hear all you men say "Damn that ain't me at ALL"... Well you're right because...

In order to be considered a hubby you must adhere to the following rules...

1. FOOD... if you want me to cook it, prepare it, arrange it, and do it all with love... Why don't you try providing it. LOL.

2. NEVER thinks its ok to grow a gut, no matter how much he drinks... do you know what it's like to be in the heat of passion look up and see... never mind just keep your a$$ in shape!

3. OTHER FEMALES 1... if the EX still wants you she's got to go, because she's already giving me a headache! And if you had any respect or husband skills I wouldn't have to ask you to do that.

4. OTHER FEMALES 2... No calls that you need to take in the other room at any time. No moist/wet phones calls full-stop, and no standard phones calls after 9pm prime time.

5. OTHER FEMALES 3... No bull like "I'm just a friendly guy"! AIR! If you wanna be with several women be a man and do it openly instead of sneaking around like a b!#$*

6. OTHER FEMALES 4... now a real wifey is secure enough in herself to trust you with other females, so she doesn't need to even be jealous or chase you around. That is of course only if you're a real MAN and hubby material that has the balls to keep it real about who he is. A secure wifey doesn't care about you having female friends because she's married to a real MAN that can be trusted and adheres to the rules about being a real husband. But if she's chasing you around and worried about who you're with maybe you're not acting like a real man that can be trusted at all.

7. ETIQUETTE... Learn how to to open doors and pull out chairs every once in a while. I know it's so foreign to you but a real hubby knows how to act. And when he's dating you he actually calls to see if you got home safe. He'll also drive every once in a while, instead of putting his seat way back chillin while you're trying to figure out where the restaurant is. A real hubby won't try to get you between the sheets before he's even taken you out to eat.

8. FASHION...get a damn belt! If u ever knew how stupid you look from the back with your jeans sagging, especially with those big bird briefs you wear. Yuk, grow up!

9. DRESS... Yeah u can shave and get your hair cut even if you aren't going out with "the manz dem". Did you know that? Putting in an effort to impress other females but not wifey? Not gonna work!

10. STOP RAVIN? ... as long as you're there... wifey will be right behind you baby. Behind every strong man is a strong woman. ;) If it's okay for you to spend time with your fellas in the club, it's okay for me to spend time with my girls in the club. If you're true hubby material... what are you doin in the club without wifey anyway? What you looking for? Oh you just like the music? Well listen to that damn new ipod i got you! And as far as wifey... she'll go to the library, theatre, play, go bowling, take a Spa day or suttin as long as you can afford it. You da man right? I'm not saying you have to pay for everything... but if you wanna control where wifey goes and what she does, you might wanna be able to afford a few of the suggestions... and if you took wifey out more maybe she'd be too busy spending time with you to be at the raves. But, apparently he's "with the man dem" tonight.

I'll let you in on a little "home-truth" here... "real" women want "real" men... who can be real about the men they are... That ones for free! If he's not ready for a relationship he let's you know. He doesn't try to front to get you in a relationship and then wonder why you act crazy when he turns out to be someone other than who he said he was. Instead of playing a game with no intension of being faithful he's real and upfront... then it's up to her if she goes down that path. But a real man gives you the choice.

11. FAMILY... If you're family keeps calling me by another woman's name... a real hubby takes care of that. And if I haven't introduced you to my family after 6 months... You're just good in bed, but you have no chance of becoming HUBBY so YOU NEED TO KEEP IT MOVIN!

Girls we have to do our part but not without an even playing field ;)
Tasha Danvers aka Tasha D

Round of applause for Tasha... GIRL POWER!

Ladies, did Tasha represent you... Fellas, did she school you?

The Wifey Handbook

2009-01-25T20:48:00.015Z

Ladies, If you dub yourself "wifey material", you gotta realise that there are rules and regulations that must be followed at all times... A couple of my boys put together a list to make it easy for all you aspiring wifeys... see below...

DISCLAIMER: The rules in this list are to be used for educational purposes only.

"WIFEY... Lets start by defining the word itself.

'A wifey is a girl that has the potential to be a mans wife. This girl is a steady girl friend and is loved, she is kind, doesn't cheat, is trusted, and would make a good wife.'

I hear you all you women say "Yeh that sounds like me"... Debatable!

In order to be considered a wifey you must adhere to the following rules...

1. FOOD... Never stop cooking... If you do, don't get mad when he is at a next girls house gettin a hot meal, which you have failed to provide... If your not going to cook, let him no know 5 hours in advance so you both can make arrangements for him to get in the kitchen, go out and eat or get a take away. Don't pull a surprise when he gets back from a long day at work and say "oh babe there's no dinner, sorry"!

2. NEVER think its acceptable to lose the plot... face wise, body wise, attitude wise! Familiarity breeds contempt!

3. OTHER DUDES 1... lock dem off!

4. OTHER DUDES 2... No moist/wet phones calls full-stop, and no standard phones calls after 9pm prime time.

5. OTHER DUDES 3... No bullshit like "I don't get on with girls"! AIR!

6. ETIQUETTE... Refrain form using road talk that you hear man dem using, i.e. "Fam", "Cuz", "Blud", "You get me tho", etc, its not cute! Be a lady!

7. FASHION... If he says it looks dodge, DON'T wear it... "it looks dodge"... "Mr. fake baider" mite think it looks live, but Mr.right doesn't...

8. DRESS... Look nice for him, not raves... If you wanna dress nice for raves, and look a mess for him, what does that say about you?

9. STOP RAVIN' .. party animals don't look like wifey's..(not sayin there aren't any "wifey's" in raves, it just "LOOKS" that way). And if you did meet your wifey in a rave, WHY is she going back again?? She a wifey now, what you want a new guy, not enough swagger for you with the one you have?? Black girls to find other extra curriculum activities, like going to the library, theatre, play, go bowling, take a Spa day or suttin, other than sweating out their weaves to Tony Matterhorn!

I'll let u in on a little "home-truth" here... "serious" guys don't like super RAVER chicks... That ones for free! If he does, then he probably raves more than you do, and has about 4 wifeys and you're number 5!
I'm not sayin don't enjoy your life... I'm sayin be more creative, find some girly activities to do...

10. FAMILY... If you have not met his family after 12 months... It means one of 2 things... (A) HE HAS NO FAMILY! (B) YOU NEED TO KEEP IT MOVIN!

Authors: Kwabena Poku / Tolu Faloye"

Copies of the Handbook will be selling outside every rave!!
RRP: £6.99
SALE: £4.99

Comments are welcome... If you disagree with any of the above, say something!

It's going down

2009-01-24T14:10:00.026Z

A couple days ago, I was asked if I 'go down'... How do you think i responded... choose from the following:

1. "Hell Yes! allday, everyday..."
2. "Naa... not anymore"
3. "Depends on the girl... she gotta be special"
4. "Never have, never will"
5. "No comment"

A prize for the person that guesses correctly.

PLEASE NOTE: Competition closes on 31 January... and NO, the prize isn't a demonstration.

2 for 1

2009-01-23T14:10:00.009Z

I just got back from the pub... not really a fan of pub lunches, but I couldn't resist the 'January Sale' offer... 2 meals for the price of 1... I ate both meals... 'fish & chips' followed by 'bangers n mash'... what a 'lard'!

I'm so disappointed with myself.. Cancun is less than 2 months away and I'm trying to maintain my 'ard body... I better hit the gym this weekend... not trying to turn fat like Mike Tyson. (see below)

I should have known 2 meals was a bad idea... big lunches make me feel so tired... I'm almost certain that I'll be fully asleep by 3 o'clock.. rocking back and forth in my chair... nodding off... headbutting my keyboard..

My boss isn't in, It's friday and I don't give a f*ck... so I'm not even gonna fight the sleep... furthermore, I'm gonna bounce early.

Have a good weekend... behave yourselves.

Organ Donors

2009-01-21T18:31:00.017Z

Finally, I have some new music to share... from the guy that put so many of you ladies to 'bed' in 2007. It's none other than Mr J. Holiday...

This track is definitely one for the sweet-boys'... offering their heart to every chick... like an organ donor... my heart is mine and if you want it you're gonna have to kill me.... Anyway, the track's titled "It's Yours"... enjoy.

This is definitely good music, but serious though... J is basically giving his heart away... long. Trusting a girl with your heart is like trusting a crackhead with a baby... not a good idea.

Mr President

2009-01-19T20:30:00.010Z

I try my best to avoid political subjects... but January 20th 2009 marks such a momentous day that I had to mention it... Mr Barack Obama will be sworn-in as the President of the United States of America... yes... the 44th President is 'black'... well.... technically, mixed race... either way it's inspiring...

Although it may not affect me 'directly'... his achievements had me believing that "anything is possible"... so I thought I'd adopt that ‘mentality’...

So there I was... up in the club... eye'in a very 'attractive chick'... I thought to myself... if Barack can win the Presidency... then maybe... this 'attractive chick' might give me her number... I discovered that dreams don't always come true.... cos when I asked her... she said "no"... oh well, was worth a try... plenty more fish in the sea.

Besides, I'm done with hot chicks... I need a woman... like Michelle. I absolutely adore her, she has so much class... so graceful... would it be disrespectful to put her on the list?

PLEASE NOTE: The story about Mr Lewiboro being rejected is NOT based on fact. lol

Stay Outta Jail

2009-01-17T00:00:00.007Z

After seeing this, I've come to the conclusion that.... I wouldn't last long in jail.

Chris wasn't lying.. the 'toss salad man' really does exist... see below.

Prison love = Wild Homo... I will never eat salad, jelly or syrup ever again. I'm disgusted.

Blog Crunch Pt IV

2009-01-09T10:01:00.010Z

It's that time again... fellas take out the wifey or independant ladies treat the boyfriend...

These offers just keep coming. I doubt I'll be willing to pay full price for anything EVER again... from now on some sort of freeness must be involved.

Buy 2 Meals Get The Most Expensive Free at Pizza Express
Expires 29th Jan 2009
Use this voucher to receive your most expensive main meal free when you buy 2 mains at Pizza Express. Offer runs all day, every day of the week.

Buy One Get One Free on Main Meals at Zizzi
Expires 31st Jan 2009
Buy one main meal at Zizzi and you will receive another free. Offer runs all day, every day of the week.

2 for 1 on All Main Courses at Gourmet Burger Kitchen
Expires 11th Jan 2009
Buy 1 main meal at Gourmet Burger Kitchen and you will receive another one free. (Eat In only)

40% Off your Food Bill at YO! Sushi
Expires 19th Jan 2009
Get 40% off your food bill (up to 10 plates off the conveyor belt) with this voucher. (excludes Westfield White City)

NOTE: Some read the 'Reliable Source' post and came to the conclusion that I have an "incredibly inflated ego" which is not true. I wasn't hyping myself, just trying to stimulate debate... I'm a humble guy. really!

Street Fighter

2009-01-07T18:26:00.007Z

I'm an R'n'B dude, but I wish I could rap.... This is the reason why.... check it out!

www.incisive1.blogspot.com
www.myspace.com/incisive1

Reliable Source

2009-01-07T13:05:00.008Z

DISCLAIMER: Please note that Mr Lewiboro is not up his own ass.

At one point last week, my facebook status was "Tayo is 'quite a catch' according to a reliable source"... one of my 'friends' suggested that the 'reliable source' was my mum...

I think she was trying to boy it, but she redeemed herself by privately sending the below....

"Of course u are a good catch, looks, a degree, car, prospects, u are going places (I hate giving u compliments!!) Anyway, any girl can smell ur progress a mile off and will want to jump on ur band wagon and enjoy the ride with you, but will be QUICK to jump off when the going gets tough!!

Its in to be a Wifey, so girls are trying to secure themselves whatever is left of the good stock, i.e. you Tayo, you are the GOOD STOCK!! What you will find now is that girls who in the past thought they too nice, begin to become ALOT more friendly, hugging you that bit more tightly when they see you, laughing just bit louder @ your dry jokes!!! THOSE are the ones you need to be weary of, because they are the fickle ones, the fairweather girls who go where the wind takes them, leaving in their wake GOOD STOCK who have become bitter and distrusting because of ill treatment!!

The ball is in ur court Tayo, and u can use it to your advantage, just remember GIRLS are a guys Kryptonite, but only if she is the WRONG girl!! Iron sharpens iron, so get with someone that can push u to be better!!

(Damn I'm good, I should write a book or at least a column in magazine or something!! Anyway I know I have gone on a bit, but I thought I had to say the above)"

Eventhough I wouldn't recommend sending me 'fan-mail' (.. my head's big enough already), I'm glad she did. She raised a good point... being a wifey is in fashion at the moment... girls are really looking to settle down, but not me, fam.

'Good Stock'? Me?... I always thought I was a good for nothing asshole, but it's nice to know someone is looking out for me....

By the way, the 'reliable source' wasn't my mum... It was a very hot chick... that never tells lies.

Is that your chick?

2009-01-04T23:00:00.007Z

A newly found friend directed me to the footage below... I thought I'd seen it all until I saw this chick brazenly pissing on the roadside.... squatting like a dog.

Props to Speedie.

Somebody from the raving scene knows the identity of this dutty female. This footage was captured outside of 007 on Cornhill in Central London between 3:00 and 6:00am on 1st January 2009... Is this your sister, daughter or even worse... your wifey?

FYI.... this is why I stopped moving to girls in raves...

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T21:00:00.000Z

Wishing you all the best in 2009. Let's keep things moving.

Resolutions

2008-12-31T11:49:00.009Z

I really don't know where 2008 went... but New Years is upon us once again... tonight we'll be seeing out '08 and welcoming in '09... and what would the beginning of any new year be without resolutions?

In previous years, my only resolution was to make no resolutions... I've never been big on making promises that I can't keep, whether to myself or others.

But this year, I've been convinced to give it a go, be open minded and that... so here are my resolutions.... in no particular order...

1. Go on at least 3 holidays.
2. Be less harsh on women, they're not all evil.
3. Visit the 'motherland'.
4. Learn how to cook.
5. Get hench.
6. Join the mile high club.
7. Stop being anti-social.
8. Spend more time in church.
9. ~~Watch less porn~~
10. Try a few new things... wink wink
11. Read more.
12. Be nicer to strangers.
13. Leave the ghetto.
14. Swear less.
15. Avoid falling in love.
16. Be more decisive.
17. Get rich.
18. Learn how to parallel park.
19. Show more love to friends and family.
20. Less time on Facebook.
21. Date older women... 26+
22. Learn how to rap.
23. Stay out of jail.
24. Post at least 10 blog entries a month.
25. Turn 25 years of age.
26. Grow some facial hair.
27. Drink responsibly.
28. Avoid driving related fines and penalties.
29. ~~Stop moaning~~
30. Less work, more play.

I have no idea whether I'll be able to achieve all of the above, but I'm sure I'll have fun trying...

Anyway, Hope all your NYE plans have been finalised... so whether you're hitting a party, counting down in church or 'chilling at home' like me. Make sure you have a good one.

Happy New Year!!!!

Flashing lights update

2008-12-29T08:48:00.005Z

The time is 8:45... I'm reporting live from the traffic light awareness course... Whoever said there would be chicks was a bloody liar. I'm surrounded by middle aged men. This is some bullshit, I should have taken the points.

Feedback soon come...

Busy Christmas Eve!!

2008-12-24T09:00:00.001Z

Good Morning people, I hope (unlike me) you're all set for tomorrow... I foolishly decided to leave everything to the last minute... what a donut! I only have myself to blame... Instead of sleeping like a log for the past 2 days, I should have been out purchasing ish. Looks like today I'm gonna be running around like a headless turkey.

If you do see me out today, don't ask me about my hair... my barber got departed last week... They sent his cl*rt back to Jamaica... This guy has been cutting my hair for the last 3 years... I have 2 options: either grow a 'wild afro' or risk letting some 'wasteman barber' cut my hair... Wild afro it is... until i find a competent replacement.

Anyway, Happy Christmas Eve.

Fiending

2008-12-23T12:27:00.001Z

Okay... I'm sitting here... looking at my pipe... my shisha pipe.. I've set it up... added the cherry flavoured tobacco... ready to be lit up. I desperately wanna smoke it... but, it's only 12.15pm... I'm thinking that it's way too early in the day to start smoking... plus I am alone... no company... meaning that i'll be 'puff puff' and passing it back to myself.

I feel like a learner crack-fiend... This is how it starts... you start smoking shisha in the morning, on your own... then a few months later... you find yourself smoking crack in an alley somewhere. I ain't going out like that.

Shall I light up or hold out to this evening...?

Liquid Crack

2008-12-21T23:14:00.002Z

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.... 144 bottles of Supermalt aka 'liquid crack'.

Supermalt to me is what crack is to Amy Winehouse... It's the only reason I own a bottle opener... I've been an addict from childhood... I remember back in the day when Supermalt was strictly for the adults, they try give the kids some mix orange squash... pisstake... anyway, look at me now!

My Pipe

2008-12-18T00:34:00.011Z

Okay, so late last week, I decided I wanted my very own Shisha pipe... I was told it could be delivered within 2 to 3 days... so I thought cool... and ordered it to my mom's house... I got word that It had been delivered today, so I jumped in my car and made the journey to my mom's to pick it up.

The journey takes me about a 25 minutes... normally, It's quite a relaxing drive, but today.... I was on a hype... listening to funky house... holding the steering wheel with one hand... doing the 'head, shoulders, knees & toes' dance with the other one... i know... highly irresponsible.

I must have been feeling the music a little bit too much because I didn't realise that I was speeding until I got flashed.... I know... again... I'm not bothered though... If it comes through, I'm gonna say I wasn't the driver.... can't tell my mom, cos she'll snitch and then beat me for doing it again.

I get to my moms, collect my pipe... steal some food from the fridge and grab my letters... one of them was confirmation of my place on the 'traffic light awareness' course on the 29th of December... looks like it's back to the classroom for me... atleast I'll be surrounded by fine chicks... cos they are reckless drivers too.

Anyway, for those that want to take a peak at my 'pipe', see below

Isn't it tremendous??!... please note that it's even bigger in person.

Mid-week Madness

2008-12-17T01:26:00.010Z

I tried to avoid posting this... I tried so hard, but I couldn't help myself... I had to do it..

This video has had 7.5 million views in 10 days. I must admit that I am responsible for at least 100 of those... Remember the numbers don't lie...

Disclaimer: Please don't watch this if you don't have a sense of humour.

What do you think... Is it dumb funny or just dumb?!

I bet the 1 minute 'premature ejaculation' man dem love this ish.... I wouldn't know because I'm not one of them man... I put in the work. Ask about me!

Sick n Tired

2008-12-10T01:33:00.011Z

I'm going to jump right into this one... no introduction needed. The title says it all.

I'm sick n tired of the horrible weather... I need a holiday ASAP.

I'm sick n tired of random dudes trying to add me on Facebook... don't need any new male friends.

I'm sick n tired of the 'hench homes' in the gym staring at me like I owe him something. We are not the same, homie!

I'm sick n tired of having to share the public transport system with dutty people... I'm tired of 'nose pickers' wiping their boogie on the seats... I'm sick of people yawning, coughing and sneezing without covering their nasty faces.

I'm sick n tired of people printing a logo on any Primark T-shirt, cutting out the Primark label, sewing in their own and calling themselves fashion designers.

I'm sick n tired of raving... I'm sick of bouncers asking me for ID and I'm tired of being told that I can't wear my trainers... then I get into the club and see a load of kids... wearing trainers.

I'm sick n tired of receiving 5 Facebook notifications... thinking atleast one is a girl hollering... then discovering all 5 of them are 'come to my rave' messages!..

I'm sick n tired of Lyle n Scott jumpers... Ladies, if you see one laying around, bin it... do your man a favour!

I'm sick n tired of girls acting like the weave on their head is their own hair... Just because you paid for the hair, doesn't mean it's yours.

I'm sick n tired of my mum asking me when I'm going to settle down...

I'm sick n tired of going out to eat with girls who conveniently go quiet when it's time to pay..... What happened to Ms Independent? What happened to going dutch?

I'm sick of girls saying that all guys are the same... generalisations are bad, even if they are true... and I'm tired of being blamed for 'the pain that was caused by previous cats, who had your heart before me'.

I'm sick of girls acting like they enjoy being single... I'm tired of girls claiming to be 'single by choice', when really... they are desperately waiting for Prince Charming to come and sweep them off their feet.

I'm sick of SILENT READERS.. reading my posts and not commenting... and I'm tired of those who comment via FB or MSN, instead of on the actual blog... it's all love anyway.

I'm sick n tired of being sick n tired...

Bus Wars Pt 2 (tribal warfare)

2008-12-02T20:19:00.006Z

I told you about my journeys to and from work and the mad people I encounter on the daily. This is footage filmed on the 21 bus...

Exhibit A...

Feel free to comment... My thoughts to follow, but watch this now!!

Props to CBewry!

Monday Morning Eye Candy

2008-12-01T11:04:00.000Z

Good morning, ladies and gents... I've been doing this blog thing for a while now... many of you have reached out and shown love... much appreciated, but I have been accused of neglecting my male readers... I've been so focused on 'pleasing' the women that I forgot about the guys.. so this is for you.

Fellas, I'm sure you'll agree that there ain't nothing like some booty in the morning... so take a peek at the below... footage from my home-girl Vixxen's first professional shoot... She's a natural!

Hey girlfriend, if you need a manager holla at your boy...

Smash list candidate? just kidding..

Anyway, If you would like to see more or offer your hand in marriage... check out her Myspace: www.myspace.com/vicky_vixxen

Ladies, if you're looking some eye candy... you're gonna have to look elsewhere because me posting video of next man would be homes... unforgivably homes.

Winter Romance

2008-11-26T21:24:00.003Z

Okay... so we have established that it's winter... but have you noticed how this seems to be the season when couples get together... everybody tries to get loved up... it's disgusting... just kidding... but really... people try to settle down when winter hits... hibernation season...

It makes sense... you know... due to the bad weather... you start going out less... more nights in... things start getting proper cosy... she starts spending more time at your house... it's all nice and rosy at the beginning... matching long johns' and everything...

But then you realise she is always there... she starts leaving her boots, hair straighteners and facial wipes all over the place... you even find her spare head-tie under your pillow...

She starts checking your phone... asking you where you been? who did you go with?... making you feel like you're being watched... under surveillance.

Then she starts hyping over the littlest things, daily... so tired of her hype sessions that you feel to walk out of your OWN house! madness...

Realising that you can't take anymore of the moods... the "it's nothing's" and the "I'm fine's"... you weigh up your options ... either bounce or jamm and suffer her wrath! Something that started off so sweet has turned so sour. Now you're trapped... you consider bouncing but you can't... it's too late cos now you love the ~~b*tch~~ girl... pissed!

.... Anyway, now that I've successfully put you off settling down... I thought I'd post something for those in loving blissful relationships (.. 2% of you!)... Here's the video for Ne-yo's latest single, "Mad"... It's off his album... the Year of the Gentleman (... obviously, there aren't any gents round ere, fam!) enjoy!

Damn... Ne-Yo loves his headgear... refuses to take that hat off... I bet he wears a head-tie to bed.. and what's up with all this singing in the rain business... Usher, Ray J and now Ne-yo... I didn't realise singing and dancing in the rain solved relationship problems, I must remember to try that one next time.

But on a serious note, the song/video has a meaningful message... love the one you're with today because you never know what might happen tomorrow...

Even though being in a relationship can sometimes feel like being on an emotional roller-coaster... the fussing and fighting... the petty arguments... the constant accusations... generally getting boy'd... it's all worth it (if you feel for her). remember it's better to have loved and been boy'd than to never have loved at all...

To the fellas remember wifeys' are for life, not just for Christmas! and to my beautiful queens remember make love, not war... always love.

Winter's Here

2008-11-24T21:54:00.012Z

Hey people... don't know if you've realised... but winter is officially here!

I'm writing this while shivering in my bedroom, I feel like I'm sitting in a fridge... damn.. it's so cold... I can't sleep... someone please teach me how to use the central heating... I haven't a clue.

Seriously though, I don't ever remember it being this cold... they talk about 'global warming' but this is some 'ARCTIC' sh*t. I'm a summer baby... I can't stand this.

Anyway, I woke up on Sunday morning realising that I have a wardrobe full of summer clothes... shorts & t-shirts etc... so I thought it would be a good idea to go on a little shopping trip to Oxford Street... strictly, in search of some 'winter' clothes (...I weren't looking girls)

Normally I'd jump on the 453 aka the 'free bus' but not in this weather, mate... I enjoyed the drive... heated seats on... listening to the best of Giggs... laughing at people jamming at bus stops as I drove past. I know I'm a heartless individual...

Got to my destination at 4-ish... no spaces... until i noticed some chick that looked like Sylar (from Heroes) leaving... I made it into her space after struggling to parallel park for about 5 minutes...

So after 2 hours of wondering round, I return home with 2 pairs of long-johns, gloves, an umbrella and a hot water bottle... and a f*cking parking ticket!!!!!!!!!!!! see below.

When I saw the ticket I became instantly emotional... "why are they f*cking with me??!"....

I would just like to take this opportunity to say a big 'f*ck you' to traffic wardens, traffic police and whoever is gonna be teaching me the difference between green, amber and red at the road safety course! I know you're just doing your job... but f*ck you!

Anyway, people... wrap up tight... this could be the coldest winter EVER.. It's long-john season.

By the way, I'm new to this long-john ting... do they replace boxers or are you supposed to wear boxers underneath them? or on top like superman... no homo

Blog Crunch Pt III

2008-11-21T10:29:00.011Z

They just keep coming...

30% off at Gap until 30th November

Use any of the below if you're looking to take a link on a cheap date:
20% off your bill at Pizza Express until 27th November (sundays to thursdays)

2 for 1 at Gourmet Burger until 27th November (sundays to thursdays)

2 for 1 at Ask until 27th November (sundays to thursdays)

NOTE: The "cheap date" offers are only valid Sundays to Thursdays... so man dem don't take your lady out tonight... order some big meal... then try brandish the voucher when it's time to pay cos it isn't valid on Fridays/Saturdays... you and your girl might have to run out the restaurant... she won't be impressed.

Blog Crunch Pt II

2008-11-20T12:25:00.003Z

I got a few more deals to share with you lot... last time it was food... this time it's clothes and alcohol...

To all the shopper-holics:
20% off at Selfrigdes from Monday 24 – Sunday 30 November 2008

For the alcoholic in you:
40% off All Wine and Champagne at Threshers from 19 November - 2 December 2008

Bus Wars

2008-11-20T11:18:00.009Z

Although I hate public transport with a passion.. I gotta say the people that get on my bus in the morning provide the most entertainment.

Take this morning for example... You know the routine.. left my house just after 8.. the bus arrives on time.. but there aren't any seats.. so I had to stand..

The bus moves off.. after a couple stops, it's ramm.. as usual the driver stops opening the front doors.. only stopping to let people off...

I see some dude that was jammin at the bus stop eye'in the back doors.. he made his move and hopped on.. He was greeted by an emotional geezer that said "excuse me mate, wrong doors.."

The guy that jumped on was like "ahhh.. f*ck affff"... [silence].. I thought now it's on.. let the passenger beef commence.. but no.. Mr Emotion said nothing.. he just jammed looking crazy upset... staring into space. I could see the emotion in his face...

So the journey continues... nothing more is said until.. 10 stops later Mr Emotion gets off.. He jammed at the bus stop.. waited for the bus to move and then he screamed "Oi.. f*ck you back!!"...

I didn't even have to say a word.. The women beside me said it all... "He waited all that time.. then waited to get off the bus.. then waited for the bus to start moving... What a nob"... I had to laugh out loud.

The funniest thing is that I bet he was so proud of himself... I'm tempted to call him a "p*m p*m" but i'll settle for diiiiiiickhead.

Flashing Lights

2008-11-17T12:40:00.002Z

Okay, a couple weeks ago, I was driving home from an undisclosed location. For some reason I was in a hurry to get in.. needed to piss.. so instead of stopping at a amber/red traffic light like a normal person, I decided to buss it.. but unfortunately for me the red light camera went off.. flash flash. pissed!

Been driving for years.. still can't park for shit.. but I do [did] have a clean licence.. never been caught speeding.. but now I'm expecting points.. I was told by a 'friend' that the camera was a dummy blah blah blah.. wishful thinking.. well.. two weeks later I got a letter from the 'PO-lice'.. Notice of Intention to Prosecute... pissed!

You may remember that I asked if anyone was willing to take 3 points for me... Surprisingly enough there weren't any takers. so since you guys weren't willing to help, I needed to find someone to take the blame.. I considered claiming that my imaginary cousin "Akeem" from Zamunda was driving.. but in the end I decided that honesty was the best policy..

I owned up to it and now.. They.. the traffic PO-lice have given me two options.. either 3 points and a £60 fine or a £95 fine and attendance to a traffic light awareness course.. long but no points are involved.

So I find myself with a dilemma.. either the points or the course.. I'm tempted to pay the £60 and eat the points.. cos being taught the difference between red, green and amber is so not appealing.

.. What do you reckon.. 3 points or the course? Anyway, while you help me decide check out Mr 'borderline homo'.. John Legend' latest video.. Gimme the green light!

John Legend (Featuring Andre 3000) - Green Light from EstebanJD on Vimeo.

Nas Is Like... Part II

2008-11-12T11:01:00.003Z

Okay... I've been rumbled... It wasn't just the 'Ali G look-alike' and the 'Topless dude' that were singing along with Nas.

As promised here's the rest of the footage...

I'm hanging my head in shame... I was on some karaoke sh*t... please bare in mind I was very very drunk... I can't be blamed.

Anyway.. moving swiftly on.... I'm gonna be at Kanye' show tonight, I'll leave the singing to Mr West.

Nas Is Like

2008-11-11T08:18:00.002Z

Good Morning all, still recovering from Sunday night... the 'Rock the Bells' tour... Nas was the headliner... he absolutely killed it. Anyway, I finally managed to upload some footage...

It's a shame that everywhere I go, whether It's a football match or a live show, I always end up sitting next to some weird dudes... even in the VIP section... surrounded by weird dudes... for example... to my left, some over-excited guy... kinda hench... with cainrows... looked like he got released from prison that morning... anyway, as soon as Nas came out he ripped off his shirt... yes... [pause] the guy was standing next to me bare chested... topless... semi-naked for the whole show... so uncomfortable.

... The guy sitting directly behind me must have thought he was Nas' hype man... some Ali-G look-alike... skinny guy dressed in the baggiest jeans and a XXXL hoody... singing along with Nas, but getting all the words wrong... (you might be able to hear him in the video)... ruining the classics... was funny though.

Got abit more footage to upload... look out for that and I'm going Kanye' concert tomorrow... so stay tuned!

Heartless Women

2008-11-08T12:43:00.015Z

Good morning all... had one of these restless nights, hardly caught any sleep... this flu is whooping my ass. I just hope I'm back to full strength in time for Kanye's concert on Wednesday...

Anyway, on the subject of Mr Yeezy, he has just 'released' a video for one of my favourite tunes at the moment... Heartless. I relate to this shit, fully! I have come across plenty of heartless women, they got boy'd in a past relationship... so now they feel the need to pass on the hurt... carrying around their emotional baggage... sh*tting on nice guys. If you're guilty of this, you need counselling.

"You run and tell your friends that you're leaving me
They say that they don't see what you see in me
You wait a couple months then you gon' see
You'll never find nobody better than me..."- my favourite bars

Heartless from kwest on Vimeo.

This video looks great especially when you're high on Lemsip. Great stuff. It reminds me of 2pac's 'Do 4 Luv' video with a bit of a psychedelic twist... very very creative.

Energy

2008-11-08T03:58:00.003Z

Yes, It's 4 in the morning.. and I can't sleep. Sitting here clutching my hot water bottle and my mac.. wide awake... listening to tunes... got a few things on my mind.. but I can't talk about them publicly... so Ima let the music do the talking.

This song didn't get as much love as it should have, but be warned... it is addictive. It's by the lovely Ms Keri Hilson, I love this girl, she charted at number 5 in my smash list and after watching this video you should understand why.... It's called ENERGY... and it reminds me why I'm not really inna the relationship thing... long for love taking all my energy... I need my energy for other things.

Keri Hilson - "Energy" from Cornerstone Promotion on Vimeo.

You see that body... immaculate... wouldn't mind going a few rounds with her... Ladies, you don't have to be a lesbian to appreciate that body. I might have to bump her up a few spaces.

P.S. If I ever took your energy, consider this a public apology... I am sincerely sorry!

Home Sick

2008-11-06T16:08:00.003Z

Okay, so I told you about my little adventure to Thorpe Park... went on about how cold and miserable it was... you thought i was just bitching... even dissed me about my Poncho... but look now... I'm sick... cold or flu? i dunno... all i know is that I 'happily' went into work on Wednesday morning... but had to turn back and come back home because my condition was so bad... pathetic i know.

So, I'm sitting here... at home... in bed.. feverish... sweating like a stripper in church. I've had so much Lemsip, I swear I'm almost high... and I've basically creamed my face with Vicks vapour rub.

Ordinarily, I wouldn't even bother with all this medication but this time it has been so necessary, this is some different type of flu...

What have i done to deserve this..? I feel f'd. Pray for me!

Dizzee for Prime Minister

2008-11-05T22:21:00.006Z

I'm sure you've all heard the news... Mr Obama won. What a remarkable achievement?! I dunno what it means for us, but It proves that dreams can come true! truly inspirational.

I try to make my blog a 'politics free zone' but I had to post this... Dizzee on Newsnight!

Dunno if Dizzee realised that Jeremy Paxman was blatantly boying it... He even called him Mr Rascal. lol

Emotional Journey

2008-11-04T10:03:00.003Z

I wish I could lie and say my weekend was live... but na, I can't... it was swag... a total wash-out! I can't stand the ra*asclart rain!!

Of all the days, I chose to go to Thorpe Park (an amusement park) on the coldest... wettest... most miserable day of the year... It was a horrible experience... non-stop rain and queuing! Imagine... queuing for 4 hours in the rain... only got on 3 rides. felt like slapping someone.

The rain was so bad... I had to buy one of those poncho raincoat thingies... walking around in soaked through socks... like some dickhead in a bright blue poncho... looking like a scarecrow... not fashionable at all.

Even though I felt like a soggy dumpling, I did catch some joke... saw some "girl" being dragged over a fence on her front by her friends... trying to jump the queue for Inferno... very classy.. she made it over... but it's a shame she lost her dignity whilst doing so...

... and I was sat next to some "dude" on the Colossus roller coaster... he was screaming like a lil bitch for the whole ride... I was thinking... "a big man like you?"... but it was only when the ride stopped that I realised he was screaming... "my hat, my hat!"... can't believe the donut was surprised that his fitted hat flew off during the ride... I guess it wasn't that fitted after all.

Anyway... note to all... check the weather forecast before going on an adventure... otherwise you might be in store for a very emotional journey!

Pay Day

2008-10-31T11:01:00.003Z

Hey people. Guess who's back... by popular demand. It's only been a week, but it feels like I've been away for the longest. The time off was much needed and well deserved.. I'm glad to be writing again. You missed me? dumb question... course, you did.

Well... my 9 day weekender is almost over.. DAMNN! back to work on Monday morning. Time off reminds me just how much I hate ~~Ackee~~ working....

I spent half the week fantasising... not about Halle or Kelly, but.. about jammin at home full time.. kinda like a "stay at home dad" (.. without the kids, ofcourse).. or like a full-time wasteman (.. without being waste)

For those that are not familiar with the term [.. the International readers].. It's pretty straight forward... a 'wasteman' is basically a person who is a waste of space, time, effort... a waste of air. [a detailed definition coming soon]

Despite the obvious downsides... there are advantages to being a certified wasteman... imagine... living in my momma's basement... no job, no commitments, no responsibilities.. no nothing... my life would be one long jammin session.. sounds appealing.. plus I'd get more ~~chicks~~ girls (... cos we all know girls love wastemen.. they won't admit it but they do)

Anyway.. that's enough fantasy.. the reality is (.. despite what you might think..) I'm not a wasteman.. I have commitments and responsibilities.. therefore I need to get paid.. that reminds me.. It's pay day!

I've been driving round all week.. leanin'.. heated seats ON .. dressed like a fifteen year old (in tracksuits) with this song on repeat...

New single from Akon.. featuring Young Jeezy & Lil Weezy.. off his new album, Freedom! Can't believe his voice still isn't annoying....

"I get it in til the sunrise, Doing 90 in a 65, Windows rolled down screamin out... ay ay ay I'm So Paid"... feeling it cos i relate... do you?

P.S. Is it just me or is there something about Sabrina from Mis-teeq.. damnn, she's fine. No prizes for guessing what I'd do to her if I had her alone in my bedroom... all I'm saying is that it would be an phenomenal session... I feel a UK 'Celeb' smash-list coming...

Gone til November

2008-10-24T17:39:00.004+01:00

Wow!! I've actually been busy all day... doing actual "work"... imagine that... It's 5:30 so I'm sure most of you have gone home by now, I'm about to clock out myself... but I thought I'd finish this weeks proceedings with a short clip... one of my favourites... this kid is a store owners worst nightmare.

That kid is a problem... needs an ASBO or something. Anyway, just thought I'd let you know that I'm gonna be away for awhile... (no, I'm not going to jail)... on holiday next week... (no, I'm not going anywhere... just not coming to work)... still gonna be chilling, just at home instead of in the office.

I dunno if I'm gonna find time to post much... so use my hiatus as an opportunity to go back into the archives and catch up on any unread material... feel free to comment!!! Break the silence. I value your opinion... eventhough I'm always right.

Peace... don't work too hard while I'm away.

Top Donut!

2008-10-23T18:21:00.000+01:00

This morning, I received an e-mail from a close friend… I don’t usually read forwards.. but I had nothing better to do so I did.. got to the end and thought.. damn fam… you fuck’d up. You may have seen the e-mail already, but to those that haven't.. See below:

RE: Absence on Thursday 21st 2008

HR Manager: Hi Kyle, Please provide a medical certificate stating a valid reason for your sick leave on Thursday 21st 2008. Thank You

Employee: Niresh, 1 day leave absences do not require a medical certificate as stated in my contract, provided I have stated that I am on leave for medical reasons. Thanks

HR Manager: Hi Kyle, Usually that is the case, as per your contract. However please note that leave during these occasions is only granted for genuine medical reasons. Your line manager has determined that your leave was not due to medical reasons and as such we cannot grant leave on this occasion

Employee: Hi Niresh, My leave was due to medical reasons, so you cannot deny leave based on a line manager's discretion, with no proof, please process leave as requested. Thanks

HR Manager: Hi Kyle, I believe the proof that you are after is below

See... evidence of how bait Facebook can be if used incorrectly... anyway this "Kyle" dude is a top donut! obviously no-one schooled him on the "art of pulling a sickie"... amateur.

This is why you should try not to have work peeps on your Facebook… I know you think Pamela from Human Resources is one of the gal dem… Okay… you’ve been to lunch with her a couple time… gone raving together… discussed boyfriend issues… but don’t be fooled… she is not a friend… she is a snitch… snitching-ass Pamela from Human Resources. Pull a sickie and she'll tell on you... Be warned! Member I told you!

Note: I know sometimes it's difficult to avoid accepting a friends request from a colleague when they blantantly see you jammin on Facebook all day... but atleast put their ass's on limited... If you don't know how, i'll show you how.

In a Facebook Relationship

2008-10-21T08:09:00.000+01:00

The other day a friend was telling me that a relationship isn’t official until both parties change their status on Facebook to “in a relationship”... sorry luv, but what kind of foolishness is that..? No-one cares if Ken is “married” to Barbie or if Harry is “in a relationship” with Steven (homes)…

I never have and never will publish my relationship status. That doesn’t mean I’m ashamed of my girl… nor does it mean I’m a player… It just means I’m sensible…Relationships [for me] are hard enough without having to keep the world updated... It’s just long. I’d rather meet the parent(s)… What happened to ‘everything we do being between me and you’?

It’s funny because I know MOIST dudes (…no names) that will link a girl for a couple weeks… then start begging relationship status changes… They must not realise that even though it’s all good today... but when… if things go sour… you gonna have to change it from “in a relationship” back to “single”… emosh… on a different level of emotionality!

Read a story about how some cRaAzy dude made duppy of his yatz [girlfriend]… because she changed her status from "in relationship" to “single" on her Facebook profile. Damn…

The cRaAzy dude felt personally disrespected because she publicly made him look like some diiiiiiickhead… posting messages telling everyone she had lodged him and that she was looking to meet other guys… she boy’d it… painful like a punch in the nose… humiliating!

Imagine… waking up… logging in… to find your girl changed her relationship status, un-friended you and deleted your cl*rt. I’m not a love guy, but even I would be holding back the tears… having your relationship terminated online for everyone to see… getting emotional is understandable…

I can't condone his behaviour, but I can see why the cRaAzy guy got a little upset… it hurts when Facebook is being used as a weapon against you... and these females are pros… but duppying your (ex) wifey over it… damn homey!

... So think twice before you change that status. Ladies, there is no need to get emosh if your man won’t change his status… you need to relax… he isn’t boying you… he just knows better… he has made a real-life commitment… does that mean he has to make digital one aswell??? Huh???

And on the topic of relationship status’s… to those girls using their status as a defence mechanism… claiming to be in a relationship, engaged or married... hoping that “hungry online guys” will stop sending random requests and messages… you need to realise you're making things worse... guys are attracted to what they can’t have… forbidden fruit and all that… you're only gonna make them hungrier!

Note: I deliberately didn’t mention the “it’s complicated” girl dem… seriously… why is it complicated…? tell me what is complicated about u getting unofficially dicked... I think you’re getting boy’d!

Oh ye... Shout out to my “limited profile” crew… I got bare people on limited… work people... random diiiickheads… nosey chicks… I love it… they don’t even know…

Dutti Gal

2008-10-20T20:06:00.001+01:00

Welcome back.. another manic monday... lets start this weeks proceedings with a skit off killa cam's "Public Enemy No.1" mixtape. This is what happens when a chick gets too comfortable in your house... no respect!

"Bludcl*rt bwoii... who the f*ck yu really ah chat to... ey p*ssy r*scl*rt dutti stinking crutches breath bwoii"... kinda reminds me of that ghetto granny!

"Come wipe mi batty fa mi bwoiii"... no shame! This is why i don't deal with ~~yard~~ attitude gals...

Complex Simplicity

2008-10-18T17:49:00.001+01:00

WTF!!! It's almost 5PM already... I have achieved nothing so far... apart from rolling around in my bed all day... pathetic... I better get up and do something productive, but first i wanted to respond to something...

I dunno if everyone has had a chance to see it... but last weekend I posted the video for Beyonce's new single, 'If I Were A Boy'. I'm not particularly a big fan of her or her music (note: she didn't even make the list).. but the video is enlightening never-the-less... anyway, some anonymous woman left a comment on the post... she is clearly hormonal... see below...

Anonymous said: men dont have a clue how us women feel!!

Mr Lewiboro said: boy... i'm just a simple guy, not complex at all... feed me, f*ck me and let me rest, but women on the other hand are complicated creatures... i gave up trying to understand them years ago... sometimes i think they don't even understand themselves... nutcases

Anonymous said: Well I think its men that are complicated. All us ladies want is a guy who will protect us and love us. Thats all!! Is it really that hard to do?!

My response....... Yes, it is really that hard... how am I gonna please someone who doesn't even know what they want... what she says she wants and what she really wants are two separate things, I'm a bad-man, but I'm no psychic...

Okay, she says ALL she wants is a guy that will protect and love her... but that's JUST what her head's saying! Her head and her heart want two different things. one wants love and happiness, but the other wants drama!

Head says: find a nice guy that will love and protect you... so you can live happily-ever-after... blah blah blah.... but that's not what you really want... cos when you do find that guy... your heart says NOOOO.. I wish chicks would use their heads more often!

It's a shame because most of the time things could be so simple... but being the emotional creatures they are... women' actions are controlled by their hearts.. not logic... So fellas, something that sounds as simple as loving and protecting isn't that simple after-all.

On the other hand, 'us' men are the definition of simplicity... we don't experience such dilemmas... we keep it real simple... we just follow our d*cks (no homo goes without saying, obviously)... no long ting... as i said earlier, all we want is to be fed, f*cked and left alone (in peace)... the sooner women realise the better!

Say something if your bad?!?

Head-tie Ban

2008-10-16T08:05:00.001+01:00

Woke up this morning and thought I’d have a little moan about an item that almost every… ‘woman of colour’ has hidden somewhere in her bedroom… I’m sure even Halle has one somewhere... Most can’t go to bed without one… ain’t talking about no dildo, cuddly bear or hot water bottle… I’m talking about that dutty sweaty coco-butter smelling rag that spends most of it's time under a pillow… the head-scarf… head-tie… head-wrap… what ever you wanna call it…

I know you're thinking... first, it was the weave and... now the head-tie... but, this is not attack on the gal dem... just a friendly reminder that head-ties are the most annoying item that a woman owns... even more annoying than that stretch-out t-shirt you wear to bed sometimes. I have no love for 'em and I'm sure I’m not the only guy that feels this way... bun the head-tie!

Ladies… I understand their purpose... maintenance blah blah blah... but honestly… it's an eyesore and should be kept out of sight at all times… it is not at all sexy... don't care if it matches your bra and panties... it's not lingerie... since when did Anne Summers sell matching bra, panties and head-tie…

I’m not gonna lie... seen a few ‘okay-ish’ silk looking ones... but the majority are 100% polyester rags... made of any left-over waste material... dish cloth... net curtain... anything... how you gonna go bed with net curtain on your head… and claim to be classy? tut tut...

These days, the modern woman is so confident… she feels no way to wear her head-tie... even when her 'love interest' is around... absolutely no shame... no respect for her man… supposed to be hiding that shit but instead… she is skipping around the bedroom looking like a garden gnome… and an even bigger piss-take is... wearing a head-tie outside the house... on de (actual) roads… nutters…. [Pause] I’m gonna stop now cos I can feel myself getting emotional…

As of today, i'm gonna be policing the 'Head-tie ban'.... Fellas, if you feel me (no homo)… you need to start snatching off these head-ties… can’t run any longer… same goes for wasteman du-rags… bun them all.

Couple Deals...

2008-10-14T18:15:00.000+01:00

Hey people, just thought i'd share these deals with my loyal readers... Should come in handy if you're looking to take a chick on a cheap date...

Pizza Express - 2for1 on main meals
Get 2 for 1 on main courses at Pizza Express by clicking 'n' printing this voucher. It's valid Sundays to Thursdays, until 19 October 08. Find your nearest Pizza Express

Gourmet Burger Kitchen - 2for1 on main meals - STUDENTS ONLY
Get 2 for 1 on burger or salad meals at GBK by printing this voucher. It’s valid Sundays to Thursdays, until 31 October 2008. Find your nearest GBK.

Not beggin' dinner... but somebody take me please!

Running Man

2008-10-14T08:03:00.000+01:00

The commitment of my fellow 9-5ers never ceases to amaze me... the lengths people will take to get to work on time... If only I could be as dedicated.

This morning, like every other... I leave my house... slightly late... casually stroll to the bus stop to await my carriage... the 21 bus.

I see a bus in the distance... Is it a 21..? na... a 172... I see some dude... running for it... oyster card in hand... Usain Bolting it down the road... high knees and all that... the race is on... will he make it?

It's gonna be close... the bus stops... people are queuing to get on... the dude's still running... he's in 5th gear... blowing... Oops.. the doors close and the bus rolls off... I KNOW the driver saw "running man". badmind!

He didn't make it... Shame! I guess "running man" can stop now but no... to avoid the shame and embarrassment... he carried on running... past the bus stop... clean down the road... probably ran all the way to work, badman!

You'd never catch me running for a bus... unless I was 150% sure that I was gonna make it. No 50/50's. 'llow sweating up, I'd rather be late and blame it on road works.

Almost forgot to mention that there was some old african woman jamming at the bus stop commentating on the race for the 172.. she was obviously crazy because she had her umbrella open and it wasn't even raining?!? Old ass weirdo. What's wrong with people these days... bare nutters.

Oh ye... Shout out to Mr Budget... jogging to work to save 90 pence (15 mile journey) wasteman!